I am Woman, Uncategorized

I Pee My Pants When I Sneeze, and You Probably Do Too

savingpngWhen I was a young girl my mother used to scare me into thinking womanhood was scary as fuck. “Just wait till you have kids… and see where everything lands.” When I was sixteen I didn’t understand the concept. Land?

It wasn’t until after I had my oldest son that I realized shit was never going to be the same again. My tits morphed into these saggy underinflated Tom Brady footballs and things… well, they just moved. This just so happened to be the landing. But, there was so much more to it all. Changes that nothing could have prepared me for. Not What to Expect While Expecting, not any of those crunchie ass granola books on being the best mom I could be. Those high expectations of rebounding from birth, while nursing, glowing, living on two and a half hours of sleep, and literally doing it all.

And while I expected to be a different woman post-pregnancy I didn’t expect pissing my pants every time I sneeze. Well, maybe not every time but I would say roughly 86.9% of the time. It’s almost become comical at this point in my life now, and I know so many of you can relate to that. Around the house when I feel a sneeze coming on I always strategically look for the closest bathroom. Force of habit now.

Dudes just don’t get it. What we transform into post-babies. Like, knowing what I know now I wish the women around me would have thrown some straight real talk at me. Like…

Your tits will touch your belly button.

Or maybe a…

If you have a c-section, you’ll never feel half your stomach again.

Or even just a…

Invest in pantyliners… they’ll save your life one day.

At the end of the day, being a woman can super totally suck. Especially when you are just trying to hide for fifteen minutes of peace and quiet and you piss your pants. The struggle… is real Y’all…, especially after kids.

Bitch! And I didn’t even GIVE BIRTH! I shouldn’t be jacked up like this!

I hope at least some of you were able to relate to my crazy ass tonight.